M$ Dinner 98

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Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept

and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else

a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's

rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are

encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the

oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will

set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the

dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the

desired level of cooking. Also check to make sure the directory

/usr/local/nuke_it/bin is in your path, and that the environment variable

MCWV_PWR is set to 700 Watts. Then press start. The oven will calculate

the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must

be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven

and enter: ms.nogood/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be

repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If

this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than

the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are

empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in

your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken

variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call

MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another

variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed

plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future

releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be

stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved

packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that

version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in

advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the

freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a

bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.